Darkness within darkness. The gateway to all understanding. [1]
From Walter Crane’s Mother Goose’s Nursery Rhymes (1877), showing Humpty Dumpty as a boy.
I haven‘t made much progress in extracting meaning from my recent illness experience (here). Having had a near-fatal sickness, so my thinking goes, must have made some impact on my life. Shouldn’t I come away with a fresh way of seeing, a spiritual opening of some sort? Instead days and nights are marked by flashbacks, nightmares, depression, poor concentration, and short-term memory loss: predictable symptoms of post-sepsis recovery, we’re told [2]. But no epiphany, no ‘reward’ for the close-call and months of disorientation. Just a persistent sense of being suspended in mid-air and the equally persistent assumption that something ought to come of it.
“All the king’s horses and all the king’s men / couldn’t put Humpty together again.” [3]
Enter these lines by Shunryu Suzuki, Roshi, late abbot of San Francisco Zen Centre —
In the beginner’s mind there is no thought “I have attained something.” All self-centered thoughts limit our vast mind. When we have no thought of achievement, no thought of self, we are true beginners. Then we can really learn something. The beginner’s mind is the mind of compassion. [4]
Ach so! You mean, let go of lofty expectations? Calm the searching mind? Rest this body, at last?
Yes, stay close to home. Sit still — you know what to do, yes? — upright and alert, letting go of waiting, of figuring things out. Gently shine awareness on your breath: inhaling, exhaling. Just that. After a few minutes let the breath surround your heart. Feel into your chest as it expands and contracts. Bathe your longing heart with compassion.
Empty your mind of all thoughts. Let your heart be at peace. [1]
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[1] Quotes from Tao Te Ching by Lao-tzu (6th-century BCE), translated by Stephen Mitchell (1995). http://albanycomplementaryhealth.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/TaoTeChing-LaoTzu-StephenMitchellTranslation-33p.pdf [2] According to the UK Sepsis Trust, physical, psychological, and emotional problems during recovery are not uncommon and usually last between 6 and 18 months, sometimes longer. https://sepsistrust.org/about/about-sepsis/ [3] Tales of My Mother Goose (1619). [4] https://www.dailyzen.com/journal/zen-mind-beginners-mind
Sending all my love, Tante. All healing wishes! Ana
Dear Peter, your reflections help us deal with our physical struggles, a reminder to just keep breathing, and radical acceptance of doing less, we are enough in simple presence. Thank you. Sending love and light, Sally ❤
Yes, Sally, that’s been my recent insight: let go (or, set free) my preconceptions, however clear or muddy. Start again in each moment — and see what arises. 3 days later, it’s still working: feel liberated.
Sometimes the life lesson does not make itself immediately apparent. For me these are always an indication that spiritual and emotional growth is just around the corner. I have to wait patently sometmes for the messemger tp de;over the message and mostly I find the message is growth and maturity that I can process and acquire peace of mind. Wait for your peace of mind, it will come. Best always.