I frequently read obituaries, perhaps you do as well. Unfortunately most death notices read as passive recitation of names, places, dates, and events — familiar to those who knew the deceased but of little meaning to the uninitiated. Yet, there they are, tucked away among ads for “month-end tire sales” and “spectacular real estate going fast”.
What I miss are more textured depiction of Who Was This Person? What were their aspirations, challenges, the highs and lows of a life that’s no more? What were their joys, sorrows, meaning, and purpose. What, in essence, could they teach me about living and dying?
Perhaps we could all compose our own obituary. What a marvellous opportunity to reflect and to bestow little gems on those who’re left behind. As this man did so beautifully —
“Paul Cantor died on August 10, 2018. He was not surprised. There were just too many things going sideways from the neck down. Paul is survived by all the people who didn’t die before him. … There are no dogs or cats which will pine at the foot of his empty armchair. He had a deliciously eclectic career that spanned the private sector, public sector and civil society. … But his mother always asked: ‘Why can’t you keep a steady job?’ …
He believed that people, particularly young people, did not need to know their career goal, but only what they did not want to do, and then to steer between those extremes. … In lieu of flowers, Paul invites you to go to a bar, order a martini and toast, not him, but life. L’Chaim. Paul’s celebration of life – fully orchestrated by him – will be at the York Club …”
Click here for the full text and see what it’ll tell you about Mr. Cantor’s life – and your own. May we be enriched by his coming and going.
Shalom.
I read that obituary before S. showed me your post. I had a similar reaction to learning about Mr. Cantor. I learned valuable things about him and thought about what I’d like to say about myself.
Loved the obit reference today. Esp young ppl figuring out what they don’t want to do. I’ve said the same for years. Also love survived by those who outlived him. duh. I too read obituaries seeking to glean posthumous insight. Perhaps to avoid what happened to them. But it feels more like a desperation to know more.
‘taken suddenly’
‘after a long battle’
‘to be with our Lord’
Brilliant to write our own.
What a great lesson Peter. Thanks for sending this. It makes me feel I knew Paul – even though I did not. But maybe I do now. We should all write our own life summaries- and throw more celebratory parties while we are still here.
Cheers Paul!
This post is so rich! I will use the “this is what you would do if you were me”.
While thinking about my own obituary I’m torn between lengthy prose and Zen-style crispness. Maybe I don’t have chose either-or.
“A few days before his death, 固山ー鞏 Kozan Ichiko, on the twelfth day of the second month 1360, at the age of seventy-seven, called his pupils together, ordered them to bury him without ceremony, and forbade them to hold services in his memory. He wrote this poem on the morning of his death, laid down his brush, and died sitting upright.
Empty-handed I entered the world
Barefoot I leave it.
My coming, my going —
Two simple happenings
That got entangled.”
In: Hoffmann, Yoel. (1986). “Japanese death poems – written by Zen Monks and Haiku Poets on the Verge of Death compiled with an introduction and commentary.” Charles E. Tuttle Publishing.