“The cup is already broken” (Thai master Ajahn Chah 1918-1992 in Mark Epstein’s “Thoughts Without a Thinker” 1995)
. . asked my friend and designated executor. (That’s just how he thinks: clearheaded and direct.) What might happen if you were to remain unconscious — as happened last year when someone happened to find you lying face-down in the front yard? Who’s keeping an eye on you on a regular basis? How well do you know your neighbours: have they ever been in your home, know how to get in?
Would they know what you’d want them to do in an emergency? Have you, perchance, filed a DNR (do not resuscitate) order. Where would first responders (ambulance) find it upon arrival on the scene Have you consulted your doctor about M.O.S.T.
Who has a key to your house, take care of your dog? Make contact with friends and family (overseas)? Who’s your medical representative in case you’re unable to speak for yourself (see advance care planning)? Who has POA (power of attorney) to take care of your business affairs?
And, in case you die, who’s your lawyer re your Will and have you sent me the most recent version of it? How do I locate such vital details as passwords, bank accounts, subscriptions, email addresses, birth and citizenship certificates, tax files, etc.? What are your specific wishes regarding last rites, body donation, burial arrangements, public announcements, memorials services? And, since we live in different cities, who among your local friends knows how to contact the others. Have they ever met? Do they know how to contact each other? Specifics aside, what do they know of your values and wishes regarding end-of-life and post-death care?
Well, friends, you know where this is going. Chances are that you depend on nearby family and friends to know your wishes. If so, have you had “the conversation” with them recently? I know from experience (and chats with friends working in end-of-life and elder care) how frequently relatives are caught off guard when asked about a loved-one’s last wishes.
By attending to all this well ahead of the inevitable, you’d be performing a genuine act of loving kindness: easing friends and family through the process of caring for you. #
[His] chief torment was a lie — the lie somehow accepted by everyone, that he was only sick, but not dying, and that he needed only to be calm, and trust to the doctors, and then somehow, he would come out all right. But he knew that, whatever was done, nothing would come of it, except still more excruciating anguish and death. And this lie tormented him; it tormented him that they were unwilling to acknowledge what all knew as well as he knew but preferred to lie to him about his terrible situation and made him also a party to the lie. *
# Check for specific documents and procedures where you live. Consult your local health care authority for “how to prepare” lists and websites. * Tolstoї, Lyof N. (1899). The death of Ivan Ilytich, p. 50, online version.
This advise is so important. 🙏
Great topic! We need to talk about this more. My mother-in-law left a very detailed plan for her funeral even picking out the songs she wanted, I was always amazed how important this was for her to do and that she made sure we all knew about it. I didn’t really think about it until she passed and what a help and ‘gift’ it was to her surviving family. Thank you Peter!
ahh, what a timely reminder of all that should be done to put our lives in order, to make it easier for someone to close up behind us.
Now that I live alone, I am daily aware of my vulnerability, and I keep promising myself to do all the things you listed in your blog.
Losses of many loved ones have reminded me that we all leave some things incomplete and undone when we go.
We run out of time before we are ready. There’s always more to do……
Ah, dear Peter, well done. This is a message we all need to hear over and over again. Even, living alone can be supported by getting a LifeLine… around your neck, to call for help if you fall. As you once told me, “Every breath, a new beginning.”
Wow, it’s amazing how many things we humans have complicated our lives with! Our lives are like little businesses with all of the paperwork and legalize.