Nothing new here, and yet, everthing’s new with each moment. I’ve lived with relentless pain for 5 months: it originates in the core of the spinal cord, L4-5, shoots through the buttocks into the thighs and calves like electrical jolts, and remains there for 10 or 15 seconds until it fades away.
When pain waves reach their high points my breath stops and the body goes rigid. It’s as if my whole being cowers in fear, becomes small, wants to hide and not be seen.
Curious to investigate this phenomenon, I’ve sat in meditation; no expectations, paying attention from moment to moment, What is this pain … what is this … what is … WHAT? Observing the breath. Sensing into the breath. Simply sensing.
What is this? Gradually, memories reveal themselves, not as stories but sensations in this moment. Observing childhood abuse and religious maltreatment. The way the child learns to cope is to suffer in silence, to assume responsibility for the punishment. Such coping behavior is typical of abused children.
As I’m able to see actual pain separate from remembered pain, I witness its coming and going in real time, as an adult in an ageing body. This process of welcoming everything and pushing away nothing* embues me with grace and luminocity.
In the words of Mary Oliver —
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
By welcoming each jolt with compassion, I’m free to accept it for what it is: a signal from the nervous system that something may be wrong at the core of my spine. Thus relieved, I look forward to my first meeting with a neurosurgeon on February 14th ♥.
*Ostaseski, Frank. (2017). The Five Invitations: Discovering What Death Can Teach Us About Living Fully. Flatiron Books.
Dearest Peter, I hope you will find relief very soon and this pain will become a distant memory❤️
Oh Peter, I am so thrilled that you are able to find medical relief ( possibly) with your neurosurgeon. When I was in Arizona I kept thinking of you in pain and skiing ads in the local paper which I willed to be the solution to some of your pain.
Dear Pam, thank you for thinking of me and my troubles. Pain has yet to become my friend, but good teachers tend to keep a little distance.
happy you are finding relief in understanding and compassion and that your are seeing the neurosurgeon on the day of love
Dear Catherine, your kind words fill me with warmth. Thank you. May your life go well.
Peter, may you know deep healing.
(Somehow, I am moved to share this poem by William Blake)
LITTLE lamb, who made thee?
Dost thou know who made thee,
Gave thee life and bid thee feed
By the stream and o’er the mead;
Gave thee clothing of delight.
Softest clothing, woolly, bright;
Gave thee such a tender voice
Making all the vales rejoice;
Little lamb, who made thee?
Dost thou, know who made thee?
Little lamb, I’ll tell thee,
Little lamb, I’ll tell thee.
He is called by thy name,
For he calls himself a Lamb:
He is meek and he is mild.
He became a little child.
I a child and thou a lamb,
We are called by his name.
Little lamb, God bless thee,
Little lamb, God bless thee.
Dear Lisa, may you be blessed with every breath you take. May all beings be free from fear and suffering.
Love and blessings in the sharing, dear Peter🙏
Dear Peter, I believe you will find the way to heal your body, and find the answer what is wrong at the core of your spine.
Once when I were in your shoes, diagnosed with trigeminal neuralgia, disorder described as among the most painful conditions known to humankind, I discovered Loving Kindness meditations by you. I am so grateful to you and your wisdom. It has transformed me in a way that I started to look for healing and roots of pain. I have my pain decreased substantially and do wish you to find your way. Share my warm smile and blessings to you.
Dear Maryna, thank for sharing your story for all to read. I feel a heart connection through this ancient practice. May you — and all beings in pain and discomfort — benefit from your kindness. Peter
I wish you health and healing and freedom from the electrical impulse pain.
I learned from this post. I am grateful too you for the lesson.
Blessings
Dear Alison, from our mouth to my heart. Each electric impulse has a beginning and an ending. By concentrating on the fullness of this phenomenon, we’re able to experience the space in between, where there’s No Pain.
Thinking of you as meet the neurosurgeon – tomorrow, finally.
Best wishes, Diane
Thank you, Diane. I felt your presence while watching the surgeon point to his 2 screens, showing where he was planning to cut, to move nerves aside, and to “see what we’ll see when we get there.” No date yet. My fate and spine are in good hands (4.8/5 rating on RateMDs).