“There are really three dimensions to pain: the physical, or sensory component; the emotional, or affective component — how we feel about the sensation; and the cognitive component—the meaning we attribute to our pain.” Jon Kabat-Zinn [1]
I am sitting at my desk, dressed in a bathrobe, engulfed in pain. “Describe this phenomenon you call pain,” I hear my Zen teacher’s prompt. “Become an observer. Name everthing as it occurs.”
I feel it in the lower back, both buttocks, occasionally a shooting sensation upwards into back and neck, causing shoulders, biceps, elbows, wrists, and hands to cramp up; at the same time shooting downward, into the thighs, knees and calves equally. When the toes curl automatically, sharp jolts shoot upwards, creating a two-way stream of utter discomfort. And now, in this very instance, neck muscles tense into the skull. (All this in the short time it has taken to type with four fingers.)
“Bring your whole self to the experience.” Frank Ostaseski [2]
Thinking that moving around might bring relief, I place feet squarely on the floor, feel the carpet’s weave underneath, push myself into a standing position, take three short steps, and s-c-r-e-a-m a high-pitched howl. A reach for the door frame cranks the torment an octave higher. Finally, falling onto the bed, face down.
“Pain is weakness leaving the body.” US Marines boot camp mantra [3]
Grimacing, short breaths, wishing for “it” to go away. Suddenly my dog’s wet nose against mine, his scenting ability hundreds times stronger than ours, long inhales as he detects, offering his curled-up body for my head to rest on. Discomfort begins to flow, breath by breath, as if a sluice gate has been opened. Oh what a relief: the pleasure of absence. Both of us lying absolutely still, hearing the choral music that’s been playing all along: Dona nobis pacem. Grant Us Peace.
“We must treat our pain gently, respectfully, not resisting it but living with it. When we do resist it, we need to treat that with respect, too.” Darlene Cohen [4]
I light a candle and bow to give thanks. “May I, with all beings, be free from suffering.”
[1] Jon Kabat-Zinn, Trycycle Magazine, Winter 2002.
[2] Frank Ostaseski. The Five Invitations: Discovering what death can teach us about living fully. (2017). Flatiron, p. 117.
[3] Lyle Jeremy Rubin, Veterans Today. December 2018.
[4] Darlene Cohen. Trycycle Magazine, Winter 2002.
Peter, God bless you and deliver you from pain.
Give thanks. Again and again.
Yi, Yi, Yi…Ugh.
Feel for you Peter. Sounds utterly awful. I hope the result of your MRI will get you fast tracked to medical intervention that leads to some level of relief from this state of affairs.
Interesting points from 1, 2, 3, 4. Especially 3.
I’d have my own to add to that list but not suitable for family viewing. Wow. Hang in there. Thinking of you on this Christmas Eve, I hope some pain relief gets some time slots for you soon.
Thank you, Lana. Wishing you peaceful days and nights, … and in the meantime … breathing one breath at a time …. The First Nuble Truth the Buddha taught was that „There is suffering.” It’s a natural part of being born a human being.
In between the various levels of pain & struggle & hopefully interludes of much less pain here’s to some semblance of a Merry Christmas & a Much Happier Healthier New Year for you Peter.
thank you for your kind words — you capture the bitter-sweet experience of living with pain: while my focus is on the pain-free interludes, i make every effort to welcome the pain-filled ones equally. They are my true, if often unwelcome, teachers. „Welcome Everything. Push Away Nothing“ as Frank Ostaseski keeps reminding us. May you, too, be free from suffering and blessed with joy.
The pain you are experiencing is heartbreaking yet I am encouraged by the reminder to be present and experience everything that comes along. Prayers that you will soon be healed and granted peace from your suffering Peter.
“If the only prayer you ever say in your life is ‚thank you‘, it will be enough.“ (Meister Eckart, 1260-1328, German theologian and mystic.) Thank you for including me in yours, Susan Z.