my ‘battle with pain’

Waldi looking down on his master: crawling on all fours, in pain and complaining.

I’ve been living with nerve pain for three months now, each and every day and night. Sharp electrical jolts have become my companions, emitting from the spine, into the left buttock, and down the leg.

During the first six weeks, I reacted with resentment and self-pity: Why is this happening to me? Why can’t it be fixed? I don’t trust my walk-in physician to know what she’s doing, the meds are useless, all they do is to cause constipation, dizziness, and memory lapses. I hate this %#@!

“The first thing the Buddha ever taught was the truth that suffering comes from attachment. That’s in the books. But when you discover it yourself, it goes a little deeper right away.” Pema Chödron [2]

I’m attached to the spring in my step, the belief that I’m younger and fitter than my chronological age might suggest. And then, in short succession, the bad news: a heart attack (requiring an urgent operation to insert a piece of metal), a torn miniscus (triggering a two-year wait for a knee replacement), and now a narrowing of the spinal canal (treatment for which remains a mystery). It gradually sinks in: all body parts are past their enjoy-by date, all warranties have expired. The time has come to welcome the fact that I’m an old man, a senior citizen.

Turning, as I do when the going gets rough, to meditation, I soon find that there’s more to this pain than meets the eye. Two key findings. 1. Pain is not constant, it comes and goes, extreme in one moment, faint in the next, absent for spells in between. 2. Not all of me is ‘in pain’, not even the entire left leg. Paying close attention during an episode, I notice how pain is concentrated in certain parts of buttocks, thigh, and upper leg — while knee, calve, and foot are pain free. Aha!

Thus, by paying moment-by-moment attention to my body, I discover the difference between PAIN and NO-PAIN. In fact, my body spends more time without-pain than with-pain. Nothing functional has changed, i.e. nerve pain continues to jolt through my body, but my perception has shifted — and with it my quality of life.

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” Viktor Frankl [1]

Time to stop. It‘s now 3 am and sitting is becoming unconfortable. In the next post I’d like to report on my experimentation with asking for and accepting help and with walking with a crutch among the ‘normal‘ ones.

[1] Pema Chödron. “The Answer to Anger & Aggression is Patience.” Lion’s Roar Magazine, March 1, 2005. [2] Viktor E. Frankl. Man’s search for meaning. Beacon Press, 1946/2006, p. 112.