Medical details
Several readers have asked about the nature of my illness. Eight week of pain in the left leg, sharp lightening jolts, have been causing me to yelp, scream, swear — and wimper. All this is spooking the dog: he slips into his role as Therapy Dog, offering silent presence as he ignores Stay In Your Box instructions and crawls on the bed to comfort me with his instinctual kindness.
A recent CT scan has revealed 1. degenerative disc disease and facet arthropathy; 2. central canal stenosis, severe at L3-4 and mild at L2-3, L4-5. A year’s wait to see neurosurgeon, just for a consult. Meanwhile, frequently lining up at the walk-in clinic guided by the sign that reads, 10 minutes max per visit, no more than 1 issue per visit.
Seems to me that my young physician (“babydocs” my nurse friend calls them) isn’t at ease with raw pain; prefers to look at her laptop instead of me and my moaning. She’s put me on max dose of Gabapentin and Tramadil, offering scan relief from pain but reliable dizziness and constipation. Please pass the prunes.
And now for the upside
By focussing on moment-by-moment awareness, I can distinguish Presence of Pain (an excrutiating sensation) from Absence of Pain (a flooding of light and pleasure). Instead of seeing pain as a solid blob that‘s taken over my life, I realize it as a pulsing, ever-changing sensation. Instead of getting ready for the next jolt or holding on to the one that just left, I rest in the certainty that each jolt is followed by no-jolt (and vice versa). Suffering, that mix of self-pity and feeling-the-victim, gives way to optimism and curiosity.
Welcome everything, remember? Let pain be my teacher — until the next jolt knocks me down and I curse its name.
Having described this to my Zen teacher, he writes:
I also know how these things go, you have a clear vivid insight into the pain, have a feeling of transcendence and then it all returns again in the dark of the night when your understanding is asleep. It does not mean that your insights are not true.
Peter~ I sent the stenosis (never “your” stenosis as it does not deserve adopting) calming and relaxing thoughts on Sunday at 7 pm, as requested. I found the best access to your spine at the point shown on the diagram you sent out, was to crawl right in there and breathe, allowing the space to open as it makes room for me. I shall do this every evening as I can remember, and would like to hear if our intervention has influenced the condition in any positive way.