Twenty episodes of chest pain spread over two weeks, I finally drove myself* to Emergency. Many questions, much probing, doctor frowning, “I don’t like it.” Right then, another episode and the room fills with people, machines, and clipped exchanges. You’re staying overnight! Take these pills! EKGs, x-ray, blood samples every two hours, nurses and doctors all through the night. Everyone so competent and kind; laughter and playful banter.
Two days later, an urgent procedure called angioplasty dispatches a probe from the left wrist along the arm into the heart (more or less). Right then, another episode; Nitroglycerin directly into the heart to calm things down. “Couldn’t pick a better place for this to happen.” A tiny bit of metal mesh (stent) fed into one of four arteries, to stay there for all time. Free flow of blood and oxygen restored.
I’m at home again, alone. feeling like a stranger. The slightest noise startles me. Clock time has lost its meaning. Walking from room to room, I see things as if for the first time. Dreams filled with scenes of drowning. A puncture from previous injections wouldn’t stop bleeding. An undercurrent of fear and sadness.
I witness all this from a distance and realize that this is not my body: I don’t own it; it functions by itself, doesn’t need “me.” Way deep down, an undercurrent of fear and sadness. Everything’s changing.
* Not the smartest thing to do: call 9-1-1 instead!
You are never alone. Thank you for sharing and letting us know. Sending you vibes of hope and health. Your meditations are the best I have found on this wide net so, get better as your kindness and expertise are most valuable. Best wishes!
Peter! We hope you are doing ok and are sending multitudes of healing energy and peacefulness your way. We will be doing our daily meditations with you in mind. Thank you for sharing your experience in the midst of the chaos. Our bodies, though not “owned” by us do have amazing capacity to heal themselves. Namasté.
Dear teacher, I am so sorry illness and fear have visited. How to welcome them? It appears you may be doing that. Wishes of kindness and hope waft to to you from here. Peace and love, Nigel
Oh Peter, I felt for you, reading this. Sending you thoughts of comfort and wishes for a speedy recovery! What a scary and unsettling experience for you! I’ve been following and enjoying your blog for the past year and though I haven’t met you personally, I send you a hug just the same. Warmest wishes, Amber
Dear Peter,
As with cancer, the sudden realization that my good health is fallible is a very scary concept. I’m so glad to hear you are home and doing ok, and yet an incident like that changes life forever. If it happens once, it can happen again, and as the years go by it is more likely. When I saw you at Fran’s you seemed well, and yet everything can change so fast. I send you big hugs and best wishes, and hope that your stent does its job and isn’t the tip of any iceberg. Anne
When cancer struck I felt my body had let me down. More accurately Perhaps, I (whatever part of me that is) had let my body down. May you be well, dear teacher, Fran.
Amazing being Peter! In the midst of your present moment experience, you still maintain a loving, open communication with us all. Please feel free to call upon me, if you require assistance of any kind. May peace, love and kindness shine on you! From my heart, Paulette
Dear friend, how wise of your inner being to know that home was where you needed to be this past week rather than a monastery far from doctors and oxygen and laughter. Yes, you are not that body, nor the fear and sadness. Sending you loving kindness and heartful tidings of great joy!
Peter, so sorry to hear you went through so much this past month. Please be sure to listen to your body and take good care of yourself, always, for you are never alone. Everyone who has ever had the joy of knowing you… cares so very deeply for you! The stent assures your heart is even healthier now for the flow of more loving kindness, laughter and joy in your life. Best wishes and hugs!
Dear Peter … Thank you for sharing what you have been through! I am glad you are home, you are ‘here’, you are back with us! A thought to your thoughts …. The last years have brought me to a much closer connection with ‘my’ body. My body is mine to honour, to listen to, to be with, to be grateful for, to feel through … More often than not, I now think of us as ‘we’ … We are totally interdependent – it needs ‘me’ as I need ‘it’ for this joint enterprise of Life. We are in this together!
Hearts cannot always contain so much love, so much compassion, so much pain..they are human , they need help , they need to be taken care of..they need rest. Take care Peter, we still need the beating of your heart ,and your gentle voice to accopany us during the practice of meditation. Thank you for yor generosity and for your wisdom. Alexandra
All my love to Waldi, I hope she is by your side
Es ist doch immer etwas, oder?!
You cannot leave us just yet, there is seemingly still work to do.
If Waldi cannot attend to all your needs, do call upon us, especially over die Weihnachtszeit. Alles Liebe und Gesunde, von Ellen and Jonathan
Es ist doch immer etwas, oder? !
If Waldi is not able to look after your every need, do call upon us, especially over Weihnachten. Alles liebe und gesunde von
Ellen and Jonathan
My gentle friend Pierre,
You dwell in my heart where I tend that love for you like a delicate flower.
Time and space do not exist as the eternity of soul connection continues.
I love and appreciate you.
My thoughts and prayers are with you now and always.
Love, love, love. Susan.
Dear Peter, I am so sorry to hear of your pain and difficulties. Yes, the fear is such a big part of the process, as you say. I have you in my thoughts, prayers and heart. I send you from my heart love and light. Please know that we care deeply for you. love, Mary
Dear Peter, I love your meditations. They have helped me beyond words. I hope the best for you.